I have been distracted from posting about the triumphant Tuna graduation by last minute Christmas shopping. Fighting my way through mall crowds and supermarkets doesn’t make me super sparkly. As you may recall, the tradition of the Stocking Box involves an overflowing of holiday cheer filled with doodads from socks to booze. Mrs. Tuna has consistently bought a little slinky something, something for the Big Tuna’s box since he is always on Santa’s good list. Normally I would order something online, but with gifts arriving daily for Sheldon and the Brit’s wedding I was afraid it might be opened by young love by mistake. Awkward.
I opted to make a stealth trip to the local smut store. It has a reputation for not making you feel like you need to wrap yourself in saran wrap to avoid creepy cooties. At the driveway entrance stood a sad, middle aged, Santa hatted, female employee holding a “Got Naughty” sign, adorned with garland. My shiny new sensible car did not look out of place with the mini vans and four door sedans with baby seats. The ding dong announced my entrance and eager young assistants bustled over with cheery offers of help. I mumbled a bumbling “no thanks”, avoided eye contact, sidled over to the sale rack.
The most awkward part was how the people milling around were in my middle aged demographic. They were all entirely too comfortable in these surrounding, some were pushing around overflowing SHOPPING CARTS. A burly man holding a set of garters up against his waist, the man in the suit and tie reading the back of the DVD’s for I’m sure the story line. The Deck the Halls Christmas music seemed completely inappropriate against the dialog of the instructional vibrator videos. I have the perfect recipe now that we all feel a little dirty.
8 ounces cream cheese
1 cup powder sugar
1 large instant pudding
1 ½ cup milk
12 ounces cool whip
1 pound Oreo cookies
Grind Oreos is food processor and set aside. Mix cream cheese and powdered sugar until smooth. In separate bowl, add pudding with milk. Mix well. Combine cream cheese mixture with pudding. Fold in Cool Whip. In flowerpot, layer Oreos then pudding mix. Top with Oreos, add silk or edible flowers (don’t trust me, I’m not sure qualifies as edible). Serve with trowel.
As I stood with my purchase clutched in my hands, I already felt reluctant to use my debit card since it would leave a paper trail. The clerk asked if I wanted to join their frequent shoppers club, it was FREE! Stopitstopitstopit. Fortunately, they packed me up in a black bag to hide my booty and I skulked out the door, slithered into my car and drove away. So here’s a little gift to you my band of followers. A Merry Christmas Team Tuna, happiness and love to all.